The Australian’s survival guide to playoff baseball (part 3)

Harlan Ambrose
November 5, 2012

See part 2 to remember why things are so dire…

That’s it. It’s over. And no I’m not talking about your relationship (although that is over too – and you’re not getting those brooms back either). No more baseball. No more 3 a.m. first pitches. No more skipping work to catch games. No more explaining to your friends why you’re so obsessed with an American guy named Verlander. “Just visit him if you love him so much.” If only…

Now you wait. You monitor free agency and you refresh Twitter, hunting for trade rumors. That’s not enough to stave off the baseball withdrawals though. You need to prepare for the long, dry offseason. Oh, and you need to beg for your job back.


2004 ALCS DVD Box Set: feeling gloomy? Had a tough day at work and you’re not sure how to rebound? 2004 ALCS. Every. Single. Time. Nothing will get you more pumped than Dave Roberts breaking for second and beating Posada’s throw.

Score as many baseball player bobbleheads as you can get: Your girlfriend’s gone so you live alone now, remember? You’ll need something to keep you company. And while they won’t cuddle you like your girlfriend did (should have married that jetpack action), their disconcerting movements throughout the house will give you the illusion of companionship. And if you lose the house (no job = eviction) you can use them to barter for cardboard and newspaper.

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Purchase your favorite team-themed stationery: You have a lot of letter writing to do, so why not do it in style? Imagine your boss’s eyes as he opens that pristine eggshell white letter with your team’s logo in the top right. It will complement your profanity-laced message so well. Plus, when your girlfriend sees the tear-stained paper, she’ll know how much you cared because you were willing to cry on the precious paper.

You need Detroit Tigers World Series gear: It’s going to be cold, so why not stock up on the unused Tigers’ WS memorabilia? Buy as many shirts and shorts as possible. Remember, layering is your new friend. Don’t stress too much though, you do live in Australia. Your only seasons are bloody hot and I-guess-it’s-not-quite-as-bloody-hot. Bonus: if you can score a cap, it will make a great coin collector as you recite your girlfriend-themed beat poetry.

Binoculars: Yeah, I guess you could use them to stalk her, but really I was thinking for when you eventually make it to the States. You’ll be traveling on a budget, and those cheap stadium seats aren’t eye-friendly. Binoculars will bring you closer to the action. Yes, yes, and it will bring you closer to her succulent – I can’t write that man.

Ninth Inning

Alright, so the worst happened. You have no girlfriend, no job, and it’s the forsaken offseason. Hey, at least you have your stationery kit. Time to start working on that beat poetry.

Baseball, you’re gone.

Like her, like home.

I miss you dearly.

Come back, I can’t believe you left me why would you do this to me.

Yeah, it’s going to need some work.

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The Author:

Harlan Ambrose