The Australian’s survival guide to playoff baseball (part 1)

Your team is in the playoffs. You are as excited as the day you got your first kangaroo. And you can count the people who understand why you’re excited on your fingerless hand.

Use that excitement

Your co-workers can’t for the life of them understand why you came in to work so cheerily today. And there’s no point telling them about the upcoming baseball game, because whenever you’ve previously mentioned baseball, you were met with “Baseball? That’s an American sport, right? Why do you like baseball?” And you can’t be bothered explaining the merits of baseball all over again. Don’t waste that excitement though, use it.

When asked about why you’re skipping down the office hallway, just say one of the following:

• Because of how stunning you look today, sir/madam/mate
• Because I love my job (when within earshot of the boss)
• Because Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
• Because of how great our currently successful national team is in their chosen sport.

Your co-workers will get a kick out of your infectious excitement and you won’t have to justify why you keep dancing and singing the SportsCenter theme.

Note: Where possible, let out a light yet still audible cough. This will help you with the next tip. 

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Timing

Yes, you get to live in the future. But the downside of your Australian time zone is that night games in America mean morning games for you, and afternoon games in America mean getting up before the birds and the fitness freaks.

So a 19:00 baseball game in the states is an 09:00 game for you. And if this falls on your work day, you’ll need to prepare an excuse. Fortunately, you planted the seeds of sickness in your co-workers’ minds when you performed your light (yet audible) coughing. Execute Part B of that plan by ringing in sick, ensuring you cough over everything your boss says. A light spot of whimpering will also go a long way. Now you’re nearly ready for that 09:00 game. But first, you’ll need supplies.

Justifying Your Alcohol Purchase to the Droopy-Eyed Bottle-O Clerk

(Bottle-O is Aussie for Liquor Store)

He doesn’t understand why you’re here. He only just opened the shop. You’re well dressed, and your teeth are still white. His other clients are shuffling about the store in clothes so dirty that when they lie down, the ground feels uncomfortable. And here you are, smiling, wearing a freshly ironed jersey, with a fist full of money. “Are you sure you want all this beer? Right now?” he’ll ask. Wouldn’t you rather get a coffee?

To avoid the guilt-trip from this judgemental bastard, simply say one of the following:

• I have friends, a job, and my parents like me. Give me the beer you judgmental bastard
• I like your hair. Do you use gel to get it so messy? Or is it a natural look?
• I have a rare medical condition where my body actually needs beer to hydrate
• It’s okay. These beers aren’t for me, they’re for those school kids out the front

Alternatively you can just pretend to be foreign or deaf.

You have your beer! Now you need meat.

Hot Dogs

Locate your nearest Woolies or Coles. Find their hot dog section and purchase it. Yes, the whole section. If other shoppers shoot you scornful glances, or make ‘witty’ comments, simply open a hot dog packet and pelt the offender with cold wieners. If the store manager or police arrive, repeat the verbal cues you used with the beer clerk but replace the term beer with hot dogs. Again, a spot of whimpering will go a long way.

Home

You have your beer and your hot dogs, and you just made it in time for the first inning. As you open your first beer you feel a pinch of shame in your stomach. It’s time to invite your unemployed friend.

The Unemployed Friend

You don’t like him. He doesn’t really like you. You lure him over with promises of free beer and as many hot dogs as he can eat. He arrives with a zip lock bag full of crushed Doritos. “Here,” he says as he pushes past. “For you.”

He takes your spot on the couch and begins drinking your beer. Take a deep breath and remember, now you don’t have to drink alone. Sit on the uncomfortable side of the couch, the side with the lumpy pillow, and declare “how good is this mate?” Your unemployed friend will probably shrug and continue to drink. Inevitably he will ask about the game, and you will have to repeat yourself again and again. Here’s a helpful list of prompts and replies:

Friend: Why isn’t that a strike away?

You: I hate you and your entire family.

Friend (after a popup to the infield): How come that wasn’t a home run?

You: Okay, get out of my house.

Alright, well that didn’t go as smoothly as anticipated. You’ll take the pinch of shame over his incessant questioning, and gloating about how much better cricket is. And score, he left his crushed Doritos.

Part 2: Coming soon!

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