MLB through the eyes of a couch potato: American League
*** Missed Part 1 of this feature? You should probably read it, too! ***
Baltimore Orioles – Whitney
The Orioles haven’t even sniffed the postseason over the last decade, failing to develop prospects, trade assets or create any semblance of a contender. And it’s never a surprise, everyone except for those wearing the uniforms or signing the checks know the team won’t succeed. Whitney’s unoriginal premise and bland jokes also seemed destined to fail, and nothing in its inaugural season made it seem Whitney was going to make an impact on the small screen. That didn’t stop the networks from promoting the shit out of it and treating it as the second coming of (insert successful hot chick/frumpy dude relationship sitcom here). It didn’t. Whitney sucks, and so do the Orioles.
Boston Red Sox – Entourage
I understand that it is sacrilege to compare the “Bros” from Queens to the “Brahs” in Boston, but this one is almost too perfect. In the beginning, the Red Sox were loveable losers of pennants, main enemies of the Evil Empire. Vince and Co. were loveable too, shagging and smoking their way to the top while giving a huge middle finger to the establishment. But the Sox won two World Series, Vince made “Medillian” and everything went to shit. It got annoying instead of loveable; the characters became harder to relate to and the passion and fun that was a staple at the beginning just turned into annoyance.
New York Yankees – Two and a Half Men
Both have a large, annoying fanbase, and while you understand their existence and know the power they wield, you wish there was less of them. They get all the hype, even when neither entity deserves it. It’s the only show/team where the majority somehow lives on both the ‘hate’ and ‘love’ side of the spectrum. They’re always winning something, but you never think they actually deserve it. Unfortunately the success of Two and a Half Menhelps CBS stay afloat in the ratings race; the Yankees do the same for Major League Baseball.
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Tampa Bay Rays – Community
The little show on the big network. The little team in the big division. A small but loyal fanbase with smart owners/show runners who aren’t afraid to try new and innovative ways to be successful (see: The Extra 2% by Jonah Keri and Advanced Dungeons and Dragons from Season 2). And in those bold attempts, success has been earned. Eventually it will all turn to shit; the Rays will run out of luck and Community will be canceled. But enjoy the ride.
Toronto Blue Jays – Degrassi (TV Franchise)
A massive Canadian hit in the 80’s and early 90’s, recent efforts to replicate the success have come with mixed results. There are good times, but nothing close to the success its predecessor had. And like when an injured Chris Carpenter left the Jays and ended up winning a Cy Young and World Series with the Cardinals, so too did a wheelchair-laden Jimmy leave Degrassi and win a bunch of awards. The circle of Canadian life.
Chicago White Sox – Deadwood
Tell me you don’t look up and down the White Sox roster and think that team doesn’t swear as much as Seth Bullock and Al Swearengen (especially before Mark Buerhle and Ozzie Guillen left). A bit overlooked because of shared company (White Sox share Chicago with the Cubs, Deadwood shared HBO with other great shows), but a good history of success nonetheless. May always be overlooked in the long run, but their fans have a strong sense of passion.
Cleveland Indians – Lost
Seasonal patterns affect both enterprises. Lost‘s first season was pretty much flawless; in 2005 the Indians won 93 games. Lost had moments in season two, but sometimes felt it wasn’t really going anywhere, although that season did introduce Ben Linus, the supposed-to-be throwaway character who lasted four seasons longer than was originally anticipated. In ’06 Cleveland won only 74 games, but added criminally-underrated Shin-Soo Choo to the lineup via trade. Season three of Lost gave us two of the most memorable scenes of the entire series (“Not Penny’s Boat” and “We have to go back!”). The 2007 Indians were one great Josh Beckett start away from winning the American League pennant. Since then, both show and team has shown glimpses of their former selves but were never able to recapture the brilliance and success of seasons past.
Detroit Tigers – Mad Men
A throwback team for a throwback show. Mad Men is the epitome of “cool,” matched in baseball by the simple-yet-beautiful Tigers logo (Just look at it. Timeless). Neither team nor show is above a freak accident involving lots of blood. And the only man in baseball who may smoke more than Don Draper is Jim Leyland.
Kansas City Royals – Up All Night
In theory, should be successful. The Royals have taken years of losing to stock up on strong draft picks and high-ceiling prospects. Up All Night put together comedy powerhouses (Will Arnett, Christina Applegate, Maya Rudolph) and added a cute baby, but Up All Night can’t find the consistency to turn into a great show, and the Royals can’t find the consistency to put together a winning season. Still, you can’t give up on them; the potential is just too high.
Minnesota Twins – The League
A show on FX about a bunch of guys and their fantasy football team isn’t supposed to do well. A team with no payroll and a revolving door of players is supposed to suffer that same fate. Neither entity cares, yet both have succeeded beyond expectations. No true breakout has yet occurred for either team/show, and it may never happen, but the success to this point is admirable nonetheless.
Los Angeles Angels – Parks and Recreation
Created in the shadow of a successful predecessor (The Office and the L.A. Dodgers), the beginning of each existence was a little shaky. But once the initial cobwebs were cleared, a fun, successful show/team emerged. To add to it, the high point of each entity can be directly related to an animal; the Angels’ World Series run had the ‘Rally Monkey,’ Parks and Rec’s superb third season had Li’l Sebastian.
Oakland Athletics – Arrested Development
Dominant in the early 2000’s when nobody thought it could be. Took conventional ways of thinking and turned it upside down, making a winner. Neither achieved the full success it was destined for, and both dynasties ended too soon, but their impact on the future of baseball/television is undeniable. Billy Beane = George Bluth, which means Jason Giambi = George Michael Bluth.
Seattle Mariners – Saturday Night Live
The glory days are behind them as the best cast members/players are long gone. The fanbase is still active, and once in a while a breakout star appears, but there hasn’t been enough to give them success for a full season. Kristen Wiig is the Ichiro Suzuki of the late-night sketch show: A long, successful career based on a specific skill (Suzuki’s ability to hit singles, Wiig’s seemingly endless roll-call of super-anxious, super-neurotic characters); while some people applaud them for finding their niche, others deride them for not expanding their repertoire.
Texas Rangers – Modern Family
Burst out on the scene and dominated over the last couple of years is one of the best shows and one of the best teams. At the top of the Rangers is an old-school pitching legend who looks like he could strike out the side; at the top of Family is an old-school television legend who still brings it in a show filled with kids. Both enterprises are managed by a loveable goofball (Ron Washington and Phil Dunphy).
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