Imagined resolutions: Ending the NBA lockout
As it gets harder and harder to remain optimistic about having a 2011-12 NBA season, my imagination has been working overtime conjuring ways to speed up the labor negotiations and get basketball back before the season becomes a complete wash.
1.
Right as a mid-day tea between the owners and NBPA was to start, a flock of angels descended from heaven, offering advice and free neck massages during the negotiations. President Obama briefly put aside the floundering economy and his re-elect aspirations to get the NBA in order, and as Josh Groban started singing, Bill Russell rode in on a unicorn to begin the proceedings.
After intense, honest debates among the owners about the inability of some franchises to turn a profit and a concession by the players that there are far worse things than being paid seven figures to play basketball for a living, both sides agree to a deal and shake hands over tea and pastries. As a gesture of good will, Derek Fisher and David Stern kiss each other on the cheek, while Blake Griffin and Donald Sterling are seen heading into a limo holding hands, canoodling and whispering. Among the terms of the new deal: ticket prices will drop in all arenas by 40 percent, players are given 100 percent shares of the All-Star Weekend profits (doled out only to writer-selected All-Stars, dunk contest participants and winners of the rookie vs. sophomore game), as well as a vast reduction in the salary cap and per-player contract limits to finance newly established franchises in Seattle, Oahu, London and Vancouver.
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2.
As a promising negotiation session began to fizzle out, Metta World Peace lives up to his name by giving an impromptu and compassionate speech about the true meaning of basketball, life and overcoming his own personal troubles. This speech inspires a second round of sessions that go late into the night, but gets the job done. In a league-wide change inspired by their new philosophical heart and soul, squabbling owners agree to a very generous revenue sharing agreement, while players make necessary concessions but somehow remain as highly paid as ever.
On a primetime ESPN special titled “The Resurrection,” David Stern, NBA owners and key members of the NBPA all gather at the feet of World Peace to share a prayer and a song. As the clouds break to illuminate the prayer circle in sunlight, a single dove is released and Metta World Peace softly begins to sing the first notes of his 2008 single, “Guardian Angel”.
3.
Late at night, the phone rings in Dan Gilbert’s kitchen. He answers.
“Hi Dan it’s me, Marc.”
“Marc? … Marc Cuban?”
“Dan, I think you should rethink your opinions about revenue sharing. Kind of a ridiculous concept, isn’t it?”
Dan Gilbert hangs up and goes back to sleep. Ten minutes later, his cell phone rings. In bed, he answers.
“Hello?”
“Dan, don’t hang up on me. Just tell me you think it’s all a bad idea. I won’t be mad that you’re hanging all of this up because you paid way too much for your team.”
“Marc, this isn’t the place or the time to–“
“Dan, I’m going to call you every hour and find you no matter where you are until you agree to concede.”
Meanwhile, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and Knicks owner James Dolan sneak into Robert Sarver’s house in the middle of the night carrying a large duffel bag. In the morning, Sarver woke up spooning the severed head of a horse.
4.
Tough negotiations bring about the realization that the contraction of two NBA teams is the best option to enhance parity and will make every NBA franchise receive a higher percentage of league revenues. As his Bobcats are amalgamated into the Sacramento Kings, Charlotte owner Michael Jordan receives a huge nine-figure payday and beats (a resurgent!) Tiger Woods and LeBron James in becoming the world’s first billionaire athlete. Rumors of another comeback persist for another 20 years, until he actually makes an appearance on the Turkish team Galatasaray in 2028.
5.
After months of small back-and-forths and no real progress made, the owners finally gather a consensus among themselves and are able to give the NBA players an offer. Even though the offer is less than they want, the players hurry to sign it in order to not miss an entire season. The following 50-game season is poor in quality, but as the 2012-13 season begins the labor strife is completely forgotten.
6.
After a similar summer of small concessions and misguided stubbornness, on the eve of the NBA season being cancelled for good, the owners take a page from the NFL’s book and drop a less-than-stellar offer on the table with the hope that the players will be coerced into signing it quickly and just getting it over with. Knowing how far the NBPA has come from the days of Bob Cousy and the 1955 All-Star boycott threat, the players decide not to take a hit and lose any ground. The season is cancelled, and all these awful imaginations persist for another 12 months with the stakes higher and both sides more desperate.
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