An Open Letter to Nerlens Noel’s Dumb Hair

Dear Nerlens Noel’s Dumb Hair,

I’m writing you today out of concern, out of consternation for my fellow man more than anything else. Forgive my lack of subtlety – please, if you will – for I’d rather offend sweepingly than sit idly by while the man, nay child, from whom you leach surplus protein slips further into a whirlwind of identity-less confusion.

It’s mid-June, a date significant of course because of the looming 2013 NBA Draft bearing down on us in less than a fortnight. Your foundation, the New England boy on which you stand, the one with the stringbean legs and the arms that don’t stop, has an opportunity that so many of us seek but never discover. He has the chance to not only hear his name called at the Barclays Center under the bright spotlight of professional basketballdom, but as the first selection to the oft-maligned Cleveland Cavaliers, no less.

There’s work to be done.

Young Noel could plausibly, realistically, be charged with the task of soothing the pain that lingers in Northern Ohio after He, Whom We Shall Not Name, departed for that beach in the south.

Now he won’t do it alone, obviously – it’s likely that he couldn’t if he wanted to – but he’ll play an instrumental role in the system that Dan Gilbert and Kyrie Irving have already put in place. The groundwork has been laid, one that could greatly benefit from the addition of a dominant defensive force in the paint – even a young and relatively unproven.

We’ve all seen the footage gleaned from the injury-shortened campaign in college. We the saw the reign of terror that the seven-foot human stick-bug is capable of bestowing upon his opposition. That’s what we want to see more of.

The thing is, in the great Venn Diagram of Life, the overlap of Grown-Ass Men on Whom Contingents of Professional Athletes can Legitimately Rely (GAMWCPALR), and Exuberant Youths with a Particular Fondness for Ironic Vintage Hairstyles (EYPFIVH) is a small one – if an overlap at all.

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It’s for that reason that I kindly request that, should Mr. Noel in fact be greeted by NBA commissioner David Stern before anybody else when this year’s draft begins, you step down from your post atop the seven-foot crow’s nest that is his head, allowing the young man to grow up and start establishing his own identity as an NBA talent first and foremost.

Now, I get it, I understand the significance of the do – truly I do. The history, the basketball tradition alone, is hard to ignore. With roots in the hip hop community that inevitably translate over to the NBA and mainstream spheres, a hi-top fade is by some measurements a relic of human achievement, a reminder of where we’ve been and what makes us great.

Thing is, I was actually alive when Kenny Walker won the Slam Dunk Competition and Fresh Prince hit the air waves.

While impressive by every standard of hair impressiveness (a consensus 10 out of 10 on the Head Flair Ebullience Index), you are about to enter a world where the most noteworthy thing about an athlete simply cannot be their style – not if they hope to be a franchise-altering force*, at least – which you’re fortunate enough to be in line for.

The Cavaliers don’t need a marketable youngster with effervescent style, they need somebody to stand tall and anchor what could soon – with Irving, Dion Waiters, Tristan Thompson and a healthy Anderson Varejao – become one of the more appealing young lineups in basketball.

These citizens of Cleveland don’t need a trendsetter, they need a New York Knicks-Era Marcus Camby reincarnate, a Tyson Chandler who doesn’t take 10 years to realize his potential.

You might argue that they could have both, but that’s where we’ll disagree.

Inexperience and immaturity, if left unchecked, can wreak havoc on the production of a ball club – most of all a fledgling one like these Cavaliers. The kids, for all intents and purposes, just can’t run the show because the line between childish enthusiasm and eating waffles for dinner is a thin one. For proof, ask the 2011 National Champion Kentucky Wildc… oh wait.

While Nerlens Noel may be young – terrifyingly young – if the Cavaliers select him with the first overall pick in the 2013 NBA Draft he won’t be for long. The world won’t revolve around the seven-foot superprospect in Cleveland, not with the core already in place within the organization.

That means Noel, previously the centerpiece of any team on which he’s played, will have to step in among the rest of the gang before he can stand out as their best or second-best player, to both buy in and blend in.

And have you ever seen a man with a hi-top fade blend in?

For the Original that Inspired it All:

An Open Letter to Greg Oden’s Neck Beard – Dec. 2008.

For Actual Coherent Insight Into Nerlens Noel and the 2013 NBA Draft:

The Cleveland Cavaliers and Nerlens Noel – Jun. 2013.

For a Quick Take on Noel, his ACL Injury and the NBA’s One-and-Done Rule:

Questioning the NBA’s One-and-Done Rule – Feb. 2013.

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