Ryan Callahan is so last Sunday

I almost wish that Ryan Callahan never blew the lid off of Madison Square Garden last Sunday, it’s bringing out the worst in me.

Part of me wishes that the most criminally-underrated forward in the NHL didn’t obliterate the Philadelphia Flyers for four goals in a 7-0 Rangers win and even applauds Marian Gaborik for flubbing a pair of second-period possessions that could have given the 25-year-old points number six and seven.

I’m not a snob, am I?

In the same way that a possessive fan of an unpopular band gets pouty when their prized little secret is exposed to the world, I’m legitimately offended. Jealous that everybody else now has a big, fat reason to jump on the Callahan bandwagon and never hop off.

I’ll act snotty when naive new fans fail to list off Callahan’s early accomplishments (Hartford Wolf Pack, what up) and roll my eyes when it’s painstakingly apparent that they weren’t there from the beginning.

Less than two days after registering his first career phat trick (with an assist to boot), Callahan’s rapid ascent up Google‘s almighty algorithm has booted the former ABC producer who shares his name damn-near off the internet altogether – and he had a relationship with one of the contestants on The Bachelor.

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What once was a physical presence with a tendency to lay his body on the line and post Cal Clutterbuckian hit totals, is now an overnight sensation. As if Dirty Jobs’ Mike Rowe blossomed into Justin Bieber on national television.

Call it narcissistic but the thought of sharing someone who just last week was one of the most unheralded assistant captains in the NHL annoys me.

How am I supposed to subtly work his name into conversation and then sarcastically denigrate people if they didn’t know that he had blocked exactly 59 shots through last weekend? Or that he broke his hand diving to block a Kris Letang shot last December that held him out of action for 19 games?

It’s hard not to grow fond of Ryan Callahan. In fact, it’s near impossible. Whether he fills stat sheets or not, his contributions on both ends of the ice have made him one of the most amicable forwards in the game.

But this whole coming out party thing, the whole wild success in front of an audience of millions thing has crossed a line and it doesn’t sit well with me.

I’m the type of guy who stops bragging about seeing an independent film when it gets nominated for an Oscar, the guy who gave up Mumford and Sons when they played at the Grammys. Oh and yes, if you’re wondering, I only list prematurely-cancelled television shows on my Facebook profile to teach the rest of my stupid friends what they’re missing. What’s the big deal?

Now, as the NHL regular season draws closer and closer to the final playoff stretch that will inevitably decide who plays postseason hockey and who goes home, Callahan is on the verge of becoming a household name.

This ruins everything.

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